Thunder fades into the sound of fireworks, muted into one another, the lights of the Freedom Tower are visible now against the sky, a muted rainbow sky, dark clouds low, a charcoal smear tests stop the Empire State. The sticky sweet of rain still rests against your skin, soggy. Car alarms and sirens a background orchestra, but there are trees here, too, shadows of leaves that dance across your window, casting reflections the mix with the bars of the fire escape, city, city, nature, city. Strange collisions and mixings. It’s nice to be able to see trees. Trees grow in Brooklyn and in Manhattan, too. So does connection, so does grief and loss and anxiety and belonging.

Two random thoughts: The subway isn’t a solace and is mostly a pain in the ass, but I don’t miss driving like I thought I would. They don’t make thunderstorms in the west like they do here. Thunder? Fireworks? Gunshots? The real American questions as Fourth of July draws near. This is a city of anxieties and revelations and sometimes strange joys and of seeing your neighbor who probably came from a different county than you and wondering what right you have to walk down the street so easily compared to them, and wondering at the same time why you can’t walk alone at night but others have that luxury. The air smells clean, like rain on pavement and the smell of marijuana only lingers a bit from the window beneath the roof, a tinge of cool a relief from the heat that is beginning to settle like hot breath over the entire city.


It’s strange you once felt like warmth


The air pricks at my skin like an unwelcome lather of discomfort.
The grass is starting to unfurl its winter coat of dulled amber
for an early spring ensemble of faded green. Dogs bark,
children ride their bikes on the sidewalk despite the cold.
The promise of spring is too enticing. Who am I to resist its call?

The Wasatch Front reaches towards the sky, the snow at the
summits is withering away. I reach towards acceptance
long sought after like the goldenrod emerging through frost.

I remember this time two years ago when we sat together
in the armchair by the front door, whispered promises
of renewal and brushed our fingers together. An intense intimacy
masked by assurances and laughter exchanged
between our mouths like a radio frequency that
is not quite right. A little too fuzzy and cracked.
You know you should change the station but instead
you remain in the comfort of the familiar. Pomegranate soap
and a raw smell of leaving exuded from your thin hands.

When we hugged goodbye, the vibrations between us
signified an ending, a last time. I soothed myself
with signals and signs(delusions) that we would see another spring.

Move to NYC- √

On the 21st of March, I checked a big goal off my list by moving to NYC. It’s something I’ve been planning seriously for about a year, and I’m really proud of myself for making it happen. It’s been really exciting, and I’ve been loving it so far. Hopefully, everything I have planned comes together so I can stay living here for a good, long while!

Here are a few pictures from my first week or so here:



Meeting Chris Evans x2 and Sebastian Stan

This is a long post but it has some good stuff if you’re a big Chris Evans and/or Sebastian Stan fan. 


May 24th: Meeting Chris the first time.

So, I’m going to do my best to compile this info and all the pics and videos. It might be useful for other fans and there are some cute Seb and Chris videos and pics here, so why not?

So, on Saturday the 24th, a friend and I decided to go down to the stage door and hopefully see Chris. We are seeing the play soon, but we knew our best chances to see him would be to wait on a different night. We got there pretty early and were the first in line. After waiting for a while, the anticipation really started to build.

We were lucky enough that he did come out and sign that night. He signed my little action figure’s shield.

 He is definitely a pro at signing fast, and you can tell he’s a bit nervous by all the people. But he really does seem to care and want to give back, but you can tell by his body language he is a bit anxious, which is totally understandable. He looked like such a cutie and was very nice. Said “you’re welcome” when I said thank you and looked me in the eye briefly which was wonderful. All I could manage to say was thank you over and over, tbh.

He waved goodbye to us briefly as he got into his car. Overall, it was a really sweet and lovely experience, and he really does look adorable in person even with the mustache! He’s real cute, y’all.

Here are a couple links to the videos I took of him that night:

March 26th: Meeting Chris again and meeting Seb.

So, we were pretty happy with our Chris encounter. We know he’s really busy and such a big star that even getting a small moment like that with him is really amazing. We are going to see Seb at Wizard World in Philly, so we weren’t too concerned about more meetings or anything, but….then….

I saw on Twitter that Sebastian had been to the little red carpet for the official opening night of “Lobby Hero.” I texted my friend like, “OMG Seb is going to see Chris tonight!” So, she was all, “are we gonna go?” and like, duh, of course we were.

Let me just preface this by saying we were already pretty hyped after that Marvel poster with Bucky and Steve which had been released this same day. This one:

Anyway, it just seemed like there was a buzz in the air. So, I met up with her at the stage door again. We debated about which door Sebastian would come out of and made friends with the stage hands who were like, “well, we don’t really know,” but they were nice about it which was sweet of them. Think they thought we were a bit odd but also you know, harmless and nice. The one guy did say that he saw Sebastian earlier taking photos with fans and that he was just a really nice guy.

We met a couple other women there who were also there to see Seb. They had met him before and said he was amazing. We ended up splitting up, so my friend and one of the other women went to the audience doors and the other two of us stayed at the stage door.

This is when things get wild.

Like two minutes later the audience starts spilling out the doors. I am looking over at my friend cause I just had a feeling, and she starts yelling at me. I literally book it over there, and there is Sebastian.

Now, let me just say I know he is beautiful, but wow he was even more beautiful in person. I don’t understand how? But he is very tall (which I didn’t expect) I felt he towered over us. He smells sooooo good. Like it just emanates from him. It’s impossible not to notice. As you can see from the video a different fan posted with the guy yelling at him about it. haha.

I honestly was pretty starstruck by him, but he is also just very nice and like patient with fans. Lots of people were trying to get his attention, and he always looks a little lost (awww he’s so cute). But, if you could get his attention, he will pretty much do what you want. So, I went over and asked if I could hug him, gave him a sidearm hug, and took some selfies with him. He is pretty accommodating about pictures, like he leans down and smiles a bit, and you can tell he wants you to get a picture.

My pics with Seb:

My friend looked blurry in the pics, so she ran back to him and was all, “my picture was blurry can I have another.” So, he said yes, and I took this lovely video. The one of him steadying my friend’s hand to help ensure her picture didn’t turn up blurry again.

Here’s the twitter link to her post about it:

A gif of him steadying her hand:

And a gif of him looking at me taking the video haha:

And the link if the gif doesn’t load.

He walked off into the distance after that. He didn’t even get into his own car or anything which shocked us. He is very sweet and stopped with pretty much everyone who got his attention about a picture. He mutters a lot of “all right, all right, okay, okay, thank you, you’re welcome.” With the cutest, softest, muttering voice.

Here is that video with him telling everyone to go back and see Chris:

Now, Chris again:

So, apparently, not a lot of people listened to Seb about going to meet Chris, silly people. But, this worked in our favor.

There were only two teenagers who had been there with us earlier and their parents waiting at the stage door at this point. So, we figured it would be a great chance to meet Chris again in a more chill setting, so, of course, we were gonna stay. We all decided that we would ask him for a group photo since the crowd was so small. I think maybe only 5-8 other people end up there waiting for him. So, these teens parents were all there to take a picture if he agreed.

Honestly, I’m shocked more people didn’t wait. But, I think most of the audience was like VIP people and celebrities who didn’t care much about meeting Chris per se.

The stage manager guy told us to get our cameras ready, and Chris came out. He seemed much more comfortable and just seemed overall happy. He just had an adorable energy and seemed happy we were there, and it was just really sweet. The girl we didn’t know asked if he would take a group photo with us, and he was all “there aren’t many people here so sure!” Awww.

Here is the video I took of him:

He let us take multiple pictures before walking away. The best part for me is I ended up leaning back a bit to fit in the pictures and he lightly grabbed onto his elbow and he did the same to me, and just wow, I will remember that forever! haha

I feel like Chris is a hard one to get a picture with because he doesn’t love the big crowds and tends to not do pictures when there are a lot of people like that. So, I feel very, very happy!!! He is honestly adorable and the biggest nerd and so sweet in all the best ways.

Here are the pics:

So, yeah, we were just so freaking giddy and happy and loving life at this point!!!! I moved to NYC a week ago, and I can’t believe this all happened, tbh.

Then, we saw this picture get released:

And we were freaking out! because we finally got a new Seb/Chris picture! And, we were there that night and saw them both. so, we were feeling like we got to see this iconic Stucky/Evanstan moment play out a bit, and that was exciting for our shipper hearts. Definitely just a big awwwww moment that Seb went to see Chris’ play on the official opening night, and we got to see them both! ❤

So, that’s how it all went down! They are lovely people, adorable, cute, beautiful, and kind. Looking forward to seeing Sebastian again at Wizard World and being able to meet him in a more chill setting. I didn’t think it possible, but I LOVE THESE BBS EVEN MORE NOW!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Love Him or Hate Him, Here are 5 Things We Can All Appreciate about Poe Dameron

If you’ve been hanging out on even the fringes of the Star Wars fandom after the release of The Last Jedi, you’re probably aware there’s been some talk about a certain pilot, aka BB-8’s partner-in-crime, Poe Dameron.

Hot take after hot take has been produced around why “Poe is actually the true villain of The Last Jedi” or some variation of this title. There have also been many insightful analyses into Poe and how he functions in the story as a version of masculinity who learns from his mistakes and learns to trust women via Leia and Holdo. Poe seems to inspire a range of strong responses, and I’m definitely no exception.

He definitely inspires strong devotion:

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As well as strong loathing:

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While a long-drawn out essay about why Poe is really a complex, interesting hero is always in order, a few textual examples to show that he’s a bit of a badass and, at the very least, fun to watch, are also necessary. This isn’t a literary analysis, y’all, but time to appreciate Poe for the Rebel fighter he is, the nuances of his decisions aside.

1: We get to see Leia slap him.

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Because of Poe, we get the iconic scene of General Organa being a real “take no shit” leader while still being her compassionate self. Like, no matter how you feel about Poe, Leia slapping a man who disobeyed her direct orders is pretty great.

2: He is really disturbed when everyone around him is dying, unlike, cough cough, Kylo Ren.


Does this look like an evil man to you? Look, I understand his actions had dire consequences, so do the actions of many other heroes in Star Wars. But, this is clearly not a man who is ok with the death of the people around him. He wants the resistance to win and has made some foolhardy decisions, but you can tell it affects him. Just look at his face.

3: Poe is BB-8’s bestie.

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While there is some talk about the murderous tendencies of everyone’s favorite round droid, there is no denying BB-8 is very cute and quite invested in the Rebel cause. If they are villains, at least the two of them can be pretty villains together.

4: Poe really loves his friends.

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I mean, this is apparent in so many ways. I’m not saying he always makes the best choices, but, you can see the affection he has for those around him. Hell, he even greets his friends with face holds and hugs once he sees they are alive.

5: He has really great hair. (Also, he learns from his mistakes).

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During the battle on Crait, Poe learns that sometimes you have to give up on the big plan in order to save lives. Plus, we get that awesome shot of him sliding all gracefully into the trenches. He really does have the best hair of anyone in the Resistance now that Leia’s iconic side buns are gone.

Say what you want, Poe keeps us all on the edge of our seat.

Love him or hate him, he’s an exciting guy to watch, and his piloting skills are top-notch. While this debate might go around and around and get fairly heated, I think we can all agree that Poe kept things interesting and his characterization wasn’t what we all expected. Leave a comment below about why I’m right. (Or why I’m wrong if you must).


Salt Mine


My veins fill with salt at your words. You are a surface distraction,

a copy, a mimicry of what I once had. Drinking from you seems refreshing

at first. I take my fill, gulp you down, and inhale your words and wisdom

until my lungs are filled. I do not realize until it’s too late that your love,

our connection, is saltwater, as dense as the Great Salt Lake.


Inflammation and pain on the inside cuts of my anatomy flaring up,

every old wound on my liver, my ribcage, my closet romantic’s heart.

 I’m drowning. This is not the comfort I sought, not the replacement

I was looking for. But, then, stark relief, you brought to me.


The realization that maybe saltwater love could be better.

I could learn to drink from my own fresh well.

Your dead sea water could keep me afloat as I grew my own limbs.

I am my own salt of the earth, but not alone.



I burrowed, filled with inertia, into your
aorta and was surprised to find a red,
deeper than any shade known, a primordial
color, like the life some god injected into
the core of the earth, consistency like mud.
When I emerged from inside your heart,
the stain turned brown. Not a deep, earthy brown,
but rotting, rancid shades to remind
me how I damaged your ventricles.


-Original poem, property of Amanda Steele, 2017



Among grimy, concrete walls and discarded wrappers

you can find a new home. Feel the city air, despair,

creation, smells of falafel and exhaust, on your collarbones.

The blood in your wrists is the same here as anywhere

but you notice the pulsing, the life, from the 75th floor.

Looking out over the expanse of building anatomy,

how each skyscraper is a nucleus. You’re more in touch here,

lifted closer to the gods, than among 

snow-tipped mountains and fresh evergreens.


I remember your small kitchen in St. George.

You sipping coffee out of a copper mug,

me swirling the soggy Golden Puffs around the bowl.

I was mapping the exoskeleton of your layered armor

and the distance it created between us like an

oceanographer studies strange creatures

near subterranean vents. We seek

each other’s familiar warmth

like these uncomplicated organisms

sitting near the volcano before it explodes.
This corkscrew tension between us keeps me in place.